Shadows Cast by Starlight

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Saturday, May 31st, 2008
11:11 pm - ....
I've met someone.


More later.
Comments: 1 Wished on a star - Make a Wish.
Wednesday, January 9th, 2008
3:10 pm - Murder Unscripted
Murder Unscripted!

What happens when crime shows lose their writers. Has a bunch of actors from the Law and Order shows. :)

It's hilarious.
Comments: Make a Wish.
Monday, June 4th, 2007
4:33 pm - changes
I've been doing something the last couple of weeks that I used to do when I was really young, grew to hate (loathe, even), and swore I'd never seriously do again.

Writing. Actual stories, as opposed to journaling. Fanfiction, but stories nonetheless. I used to write short stories constantly when I was little. Had my own penname even (which I still use to sign up for internet accounts places so no one can track me down). My mom had (has? haven't seen it in forever) an ancient typewriter with those button keys that are prone to stick.

School really killed any desire I had to write anything. I'm an insane perfectionist when it comes to writing, and writing 8+ pages (average length of papers I had to write) perfectly to my standards AND to MLA or APA standards about damn near killed me. We're talking serious swearing and crying.

But now I'm doing it again. Well, did it again. Don't know if I'll be writing any more, but I've completed two one-shots in the past three or so weeks (Law & Order Criminal Intent fandom, my new love).

Eventually, when I move out and get an higher bandwidth internet connection (seriously, 5 minutes to download a 500K file is 5 minutes too many), I'll get back into iconing and graphics. I miss that, and I have been collecting some pics when I have the patience. But even then, I don't have the patience to make graphics when I've got parents hovering over my shoulder half the time. Eventually I might even show off some of the stuff I've been knitting.

Anyway, I'm now onlyshadows on Don't know if anyone here is interested in reading what I wrote, since I'm not sure if any of you guys are CI fans. But I'll post them if someone asks. :)
Comments: 6 Wished on a star - Make a Wish.
Sunday, April 15th, 2007
8:46 pm - fool proof directions
One of my myspace friends posted this, just passing it along :)

Take 60 seconds to do this, I guarantee you will show someone else, it's too funny not to.

1. go to
2. click on "maps"
3. click on "get directions"
4. type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box)
5. type "London" in the second box (the "to" box)
(hit get directions)
6. scroll down to step #23

In other news, who's the idiot who keeps getting deeply involved in stories on only to find they're not finished yet and aren't going to be any time soon? Yep, that'd be me. =/
Comments: 1 Wished on a star - Make a Wish.
Wednesday, November 29th, 2006
12:56 pm - :)
My laugh of the day, courtesy of an ad on imageshack:

Find local singles
Shop and compare great deals on local singles and other related products at MonsterMarketplace.

Yay for buying and selling dates. ;)
Comments: 2 Wished on a star - Make a Wish.
Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
1:10 am - Okay well
Well, I updated my Myspace blog with my internship stuff, so I'm just copy/pasting here.

Monday, Sept. 11th

Omaha Sucks

So yeah, I hate it here.

For one, the house I'm living in hasn't been cleaned in literally years. It takes a LOT of not cleaning to get dust on flat walls. Apparently the walls are supposed to be off-white, not gray. I took one of those feather duster things to them, and 3-4 inch dust balls just rained down. I've cleaned my room and the bathroom, which is pretty much pointless considering neither of the vaccuums work either (because they too have never been cleaned and the rollers are like giant hairballs.

Two, penguins aren't nice. Once I get an internet connection I'll load up the picture of my bite wound. Yes, I've been bitten by a penguin. It's about 3" by 2" on my upper thigh. And I wasn't doing anything, just standing there minding my own business when it just bit me with no provocation. And they apparently do this quite often. Hurt like hell. And working with them was definately not my cup of tea. You start by melting all the snow in the exhibit with a giantic hard plastic hose that's impossible to manage, then you shovel and distribute all the snow that piled up over night, 2 piles that are taller than I am. Not to mention getting the fish ready, which are completely frozen and gave me frostbite on my fingers.

I signed up to shovel poop and scrub glass, not shovel and melt snow. And I could deal with it, except for my wonderful temperature and exercise induced asthma. The temperature changes and the constantly climbing stairs (everything is on a different floor) gave me an asthma attack. So my first day of working with the penguins was also my last. But I should say something nice, so I did get to feed the baby king penguin, which was very soft and very stubborn and reminded me a lot of the Whimsy.

I checked out the nocturnal exhibit, and got to hold a Springhaas (pic here: ) and got sniffed up by an armadillo. Unfortunately, it seems that to work with any of the animals I would either have to be outside all the time (big time allergy/asthma problem there), or have to work with animals that eat peanut butter which would literally eventually kill me.

So tomorrow I'm checking out the marketing and graphics departments. And if I don't like either of them, I'll be coming home.

I don't know. I've only ever had two career goals: acting and working with animals. And the cancer ruined them both for me. Acting isn't steady enough to provide health insurance, and the chemo reset my immune system so the asthma and allergies that I had outgrown are back in full force, so now I can't really work with animals either. I was thinking if I hated doing this I'd just be a vet tech, but I don't know now if I'd be able to physically handle that either. I'm completely lost....I don't want to do HR, or work in actual psychology, or retail, or sales, or anything else office-y. So if the graphics doesn't work out, I don't know what I'll do. But I guess that's just something I'll worry about tomorrow.

Today, I plan to shop. And even if I do end up going home, at least I got to explore the city. It's odd, I'm in the library "downtown" and there's almost no traffic and barely anyone walking around. There are maybe 5-10 tall buildings. Yesterday when I was driving around downtown I was the only person on the road. And this has to be the loudest library on earth. There's music playing, it kinda sounds like there's a band downstairs. People screaming and talking on their cell phones, very odd. And you don't need a library card to use the computers, whereas in Lake County you needed the card AND to fill out this whole computer-use registration form.

I'll try to keep this updated when I can.

And today's entry:

And as quickly as it began, it was over.

I went to the graphics department this morning. I thought it'd be like, computers. But it was more like art class. It didn't seem like I'd be learning how to actually make the graphics, at least not for a while. I did, however, learn how to stick already printed graphics onto corkboard. And I learned I am *not* good at using box cutters and exacto knives. I think I got 3 signs done in 2 hours because of all the re-cutting I had to do.

And frankly, if I wanted to do graphics as my life's work, I would have majored in it. So I decided to stop wasting everyone's time fumbling around trying to find a department to work in and just come home. If I'm gonna re-evaluate my life, I'd rather do it in a clean house where my mom buys the food and does the cooking. Besides, even if I did find a department there that I liked, I probably wouldn't even know it because I'm still upset about not being able to work with the animals.

I just told the intern advisor that I was gonna find some vet tech-type work around here and in 10 years when my allergy shots kick in, the asthma tones down, and there's a peanut allergy cure (there's one in the works but medical research is sloooow), that I'd try again. And I might. She was really nice about it too, which made me feel even worse.

So I'm off for the night, but for the curious, the penguin bite:
Comments: 2 Wished on a star - Make a Wish.
Friday, September 1st, 2006
7:26 pm - well
Big thank you to Heather and my Catling.

The whole Yellowstone thing gave me a really deep understanding on part of the reason why people put their trust and faith in an entity that may or may not exist. Because otherwise, you end up like me, paranoid and totally freaked out, emotionally paralyzed wondering what our dead society will look like to those in 1000 years (obviously different than the Maya or Pompeii ruins), instead of being able to say, "what will be, will be, and when I die things will be cool in heaven".

But I've never wanted to be an atheist in a fox hole (as the saying goes, or more appropriate for me, 'agnostic in a fox hole'). I want to keep an open mind (one god, multiple gods, no god). I honestly don't know if there is a god and if there is, how many there are and what gender, etc. Too much conflicting evidence, none of it totally solid. I mean, how do we know the Bible wasn't just a fiction book some guy wrote and some scholar decided to take as fact? Or how do we know dinosaur bones weren't just planted there by a god to give us something to wonder about? So I don't want to eliminate any of those possibilities by choosing one over the other. I'm generally happily ambivelent with regards to gods. Organized, man-made religions are an entirely different story...but that's for another time.

So I went with Catling's suggestion to do some research, despite knowing that I may come up with even worse info than I had.

Fortunately, I didn't. Apparently, super erruptions aren't always 600,000 years apart. The last was 630,000-650,000 (depending on source), and the one before was about the same, but the one before that one (3 total super erruptions), was 800,000 years before. So it's not like the earth circling the sun, it's not a set timespan.

Also, one of these things semi-happened somewhere else in the 1800's, so they kinda know what to look for.

Also, there are mini-erruptions of volcanos there, I think the last one was 200 years ago. I didn't understand a lot of the terminology, but I got the impression these helped a bit to put off a giant erruption. Quite frankly, I don't care if Wyoming disappears as long as the state I'm in survives (and Wyoming people get evacuated on a timely basis, of course).

The best links I found are here: and here:

The guy on the second link is pretty confident it won't errupt for at least 10 years, if it's going to in this lifetime, because there isn't enough magma build up yet.

So I think I'm good with 10 years of peace. Still rather disturbed, because I don't like looking at everything I've done and realizing in the long run, it's possible no one will care because no one will exist. But at least I can stop looking at the sky waiting for the ash to start falling. But there's still no way in hell anyone will get me to go to Yellowstone or live within 100 miles of it. Ever. I'll have to miss that wonder of the world. I'll take the pyramids, thank you. :)
Comments: 2 Wished on a star - Make a Wish.
Wednesday, August 30th, 2006
11:26 pm - how do you move on?
How do you move on, after realizing that you may very well die because your brain has caught fire inside your skull?

I'm serious.

Lately, through some great misfortunes, I've managed to catch bits and pieces of those "it could happen tomorrow" type disaster shows. These scenarios always have and still do scare the shit out of me.

Asteroids I can deal with, really...they're hit and miss, and there's no relatively large ones in the area until 2029. Car accidents you have some imput in, so that doesn't concern me as much as it probably should. I'd decided long ago that I will not move somewhere near the ocean, nor on a major faultline, or a place with hurricane potential. I also will not live at the base of a volcano, nor at the bottom or tip-top of a mountain that may give way with too much rain. I unplug everything after I use it to reduce my risk of fire. I don't fly. I'm actually not scared of tornados anymore, which is a huge improvement on my part. I've taken Tae Kwon Do, and plan on taking it up again soon, maybe in Omaha. I will not try to play mother teresa by going to live in a high-risk area. And I tell my parents I love them before I go to bed every night, just in case.

I've had enough shit happen to me already that I try to natural disaster-proof and insane killer-proof my life as much as possible. Which up until this point, has been kinda easy. At least, I'm taking steps to minimize my risk.

But then I had to go watch the Nightline disaster show tonight. Before tonight, the Yellowstone Caldera (a supervolcano under Yellowstone Park) was just a running gag in a Chicago news column (QT-Quick Takes). It explodes every 600,000 years, it's been 630,000 years since it last erupted, the eruptions of which are huge enough to send a layer of ash over 6 feet deep as far away as Chicago. The approach they took to it was funny.

So that was all pretty easy to brush off, until they started to actually talk about the impact of this. The lava could be as wide as 100 miles over Wyoming and South Dakota, they said about an area of all of Great Britain or Connecticut. Ash isn't like snow, it has sulferic gas with it. It's heavier, and can collapse buildings and stop cars from running. The ash would spread all over the world, dropping temperatures, this gas in the air. The United States would be crippled, because the roads would be blocked, no cars would be able to move, no trains, no way to get food to people. People outside would suffocate from the ash, and people inside would be buried when their houses collapse. In minutes. And there are no known warning signs, since no one was around to record them the last time it erupted. So it could happen 100 years from now, or 1 second from now. And it will happen too fast to evacuate, too fast to outdrive.

Autopsies of bodies found in Pompeii showed that when that volcano erupted, it was so hot their brains literally caught fire inside their heads.

It always takes me a few days after such a show to work through my anxiety about it and forget it, but this has effected me harder than anything else, because there's absolutely nothing I can do except hope and beg the fates that this will not happen until after I die. Even moving to a different country wouldn't really help much, since the ash will be in the atmosphere and in all the water supplies.

My greatest fear is going to my death in fear or panic.

So I'm asking, how do you move on? How do you go back to your daily life, worrying about whether your shoes match your dress or if Tom will ever marry Katie when there's this burning mass that we should be trying to do something with? Knowing that in the next minute, could send you gasping for air into your basement while your roof collapses on top of your head? Something that could cause rioting, looting, starvation, without ANY warning? Maybe not even an earthquake or a red tv screen or flags on the beach. The government should be syphoning it out to relieve pressure, cutting a hole in the ground, building a dome, something, anything. But they're doing nothing, just sending teenagers over to Iraqi to die and worrying about the gas supply.

I can't tell myself it won't happen to me, because I always told myself cancer wouldn't happen to me and it did. Saying it won't happen, is, for me, precisely the way to get it to happen. My parents seem to brush it off, everyone seems to brush it off. But I *can't*, my entire world gets tainted for days after something like this. Even if I do something fun or distracting, it's still there.

So how do you get something like this off your mind?

And I apologise if I've disturbed you as much as I've been disturbed. I just needed to get this out, and making it private doesn't do me any good because then I can't get feedback.
Comments: 2 Wished on a star - Make a Wish.
Monday, May 15th, 2006
3:27 pm - humph
When and if *I* become president, I vow to NEVER EVER interupt Prime Time Season Finale Week programming to blather on about some plan I came up with after releasing most of the details of what I will be talking about to the press.

In fact, if I become president and want to come on television at any time other than the State of the Nation address to give a speech, I vow to do it during the morning. On a Saturday. When there are no important sports shows going on. The ONLY time I will EVER interupt prime time television is to inform the country of imminent (and by imminent I mean "OMGRIGHTNOW 3 2 1 *explosion*" not "there's a chance the bird flu could hit next month sometime").

I don't have a finale to watch tonight, but my parents do. Therefore, I get to spend the entire night flipping to CBS every 20 minutes to figure out when their shows are going to be on. But it's not like Bush hasn't done this before to shows that I watch. Like people who are all pumped up for this week's finales want to watch HIM of all people. Stuff like this is what NEWSPAPERS and RADIOS and DATELINE and ABC WORLD NEWS TONIGHT are for.

Comments: Make a Wish.
Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
2:36 pm
*big sigh*

In the past week I've found and pulled out 2 long gray hairs out of my head. :(

I know chemo can do weird things, including making hair grow back gray, but I think I'm too young for this.

I blame school. I was doing great until kindergarten then everything went downhill.

Is there actual scientific proof that stress causes gray hair?

At least it isn't too noticable, my mom can't see any more of them, and they were growing under the top layer of hair.
Comments: 2 Wished on a star - Make a Wish.
Friday, April 14th, 2006
9:47 am
My parents' computer had 14, yes 14, viruses and trojans on it. You can tell how my week has gone. Not in the mood to write, but I wanted to bring you:

The WhimsCollapse )
Comments: 2 Wished on a star - Make a Wish.
Saturday, December 31st, 2005
6:51 pm
Before I forget, a Happy Belated Birthday to the majority of my flist :)

In other news, I graduated :) Still unemployed, and still have no idea what I want to do. I'm back at home, and my room looks like a tornado hit. I've got 3 rooms' worth of stuff in my bedroom, which I think is 10'x 12'.

But life is good now that I'm out of school. For example, my face. Since around 6th grade, I've had these bumps on my face (same color as my skin, just raised). Went to three dermatologists, who told me they were flat warts.It started out with one, and by November this year they had gotten up to 20, since they are contagious and I would spread the virus around when I put lotion on. (And fyi, I've never let anyone touch me in any area that had a wart so if you know me and you've touched me, don't worry, you won't get them ;) First doctor said they'd go away in time (7th grade) and there was nothing he could do. Second one (maybe freshman year college?) said they'd eventually go away, and burning them off would scar. Third one (last year) scared the crap out of me, attempted to freeze one off (very painful, don't recommend it), and gave me, get this, genital wart cream to put on them. Needless to say, I never used the stuff. I've tried everything, from duct tape to creams to picking at them to saliylic acid. I graduated on the 16th, and on the 26th, I looked in the mirror. They're ALL gone. Even the one I had since 6th grade. School stressed me out that badly, that it only took 10 days for me to be done with it for my immune system to kick into gear to get rid of them. Even in the summers, I spent a great deal of time dreading having to go back. I'm just so estatic that they're gone, and that I'm finally done with school :)

And now, 2005 meme stolen from Heather :)Collapse )
Comments: 2 Wished on a star - Make a Wish.
Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
9:47 pm
"For the nearly 3 million Americans allergic to peanuts, peanut oil and all products containing even trace amounts of peanuts, the holidays are their own 9th circle of hell."

I love it when people who don't have it understand it :)
Comments: 1 Wished on a star - Make a Wish.
Friday, November 25th, 2005
10:51 am - sigh
A peanut-allergic 15 year old girl died in Quebec after kissing her boyfriend who had eaten peanut butter. Article here.

I went to an allergist Monday, and had the gauntlet of skin tests done. Turns out I am not allergic to tree nuts or shellfish as my first allergist had us assume (he didn't want to test me for them, might have been cause I was screaming and hit his nurse in the face). But I am still allergic to peanuts, which I had hoped beyond hope that I outgrew since I haven't reacted since I was 4.

I am so disappointed. I really had thought that I outgrew it. Sno Caps, Kit Kats, 3 Musketeers, mint chocolate Keebler cookies. I didn't want to eat Reese's Pieces, I just wanted to eat the things I used to be able to eat before the new "may contain" labeling. I wanted to be able to eat at Applebee's, where I can't eat because they have a "thai peanut sauce". I wanted to try Chinese food and M&M's. I wanted to go to one of those cookie or pretzel places in the mall. I wanted to go to Baskin Robbins and just get ice cream without having them get a new scoop and open a new container, because the scoop that scooped the peanuts probably was dipped into the other open containers and contaminated them. I want to be able to work at a dog shelter and not have to worry about the dogs licking me after eating a peanut butter treat.

I went into the store yesterday to see what candy I can now eat because I can eat things contaminated with tree nuts, and everything said "may contain peanuts or tree nuts". I found a grand total of ONE thing that I can now eat. Small hershey bars. Big whoop, since I already can eat the normal ones. And people can develop new food allergies if they're already allergic to one food, so I'm scared shitless to even try the tree nuts or shellfish since I don't know if the next bite will be the one that will trigger a new allergy and send me to the hospital.

I had tried not to get my hopes up, but when you've had medical problems your entire life, the thought of finally being "normal" physically had me jumping off the walls. I was so estatic when I got my blood test results back with a low low positive, a test that gives false positives a large percentage of the time. The world revolves around peanuts. There's a peanut flavored everything, even a peanut butter milkshake at Steak n Shake, where I can no longer eat now due to the residue everywhere. Is it too much to ask to not have to worry about dying from touching a doorknob that someone touched after eating a PB&J sandwich?

I know they're working on a cure, they'll have one in ten years, but for now, I'm just sad.
Comments: 7 Wished on a star - Make a Wish.
Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
9:07 am - sigh
In case I didn't already know that I look way younger than I am...

This weekend I had to have my wrist x-rayed to make sure that the pain I'm feeling is from a pinched nerve and not a fracture. I get to the radiology department and I'm expecting the typical, "do you think you could be pregnant?" question.

What I got was, "Have you gotten your periods yet?"

I know I "will be grateful when I'm 50 and look 30" but this is ridiculous.
Comments: 2 Wished on a star - Make a Wish.
Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
1:39 pm
Saw this quote in a yahoo news artcle:

Alaska Airlines has put baseball-card-size prayer cards on hot-meal trays for 30 years "just to differentiate us from the competition," spokeswoman Amanda Tobin says.

Now, I may be one of the few, but if I were flying in an airplane and a flight attendant handed me a tray with a prayer card, I think I would unavoidably start to question the safety of the airplane. I mean, it almost feels like, "maybe if the whole plane prays, we won't crash" or "here, pray, you're gonna need it". I think it's a little amusing.

But I'm afraid to fly, so again, may just be me.
Comments: 1 Wished on a star - Make a Wish.
Monday, October 10th, 2005
11:11 pm - argh
I hate it when people find ways to make the internet a hateful place full of arguing. It should be for entertainment and communication, not for fighting with people you don't even know.

There was a girl on a comm I just left, she took exception to some comments made to her. Most people would interpret them as not so bad, but the girl felt that they were attacking her. She posted a post about how rude they were and how upset she was, and she was then blatantly attacked for being too sensitive. The girl had pics posted in her journal of the houses in her neighborhood that were leveled in the hurricane. So I thought she had a right to be sensitive and not to have to deal with that crap, so I tried to support her. I wasn't even going to post, but I had a stupid moment and decided to get involved.

Unfortunately, those people are now attacking me, which I would not mind so much if the comments weren't being emailed to me. I just hate that people are taking something so little so seriously, when there are 20,000 people dead from an earthquake in Asia and everything else going on. No wonder the world is so fucked up, instead of supporting people, we tear them down. Give me a dog over a person anyday.
Comments: 1 Wished on a star - Make a Wish.
9:32 am - :)
Thought I'd share something amusing. The Emma Goldman Clinic here is like a Planned Parenthood, it provides gyno exams, free condoms, pregnancy advice, and abortions. Apparently Sunday (I went home so I didn't see it) there were about 70 protesting Pro-Lifers out in front of the clinic.

The amusing thing?

The Clinic has a Pledge-A-Picketer thing going. For every picketer that shows up, someone donates money to the clinic. The more picketers, the more money the clinic gets.

This just made my day :)
Comments: 1 Wished on a star - Make a Wish.
Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
10:36 pm
"You know the thing that makes a fantasy great is the possibility that it might come true and when you lose that possibility, just kind of sucks."

It's hard when you realize that your entire life has been dreaming, fantasizing of a certain future, and none of them can ever come true. You're told you can do or be anything you want, and you believe it, and then it all comes crashing down around you. Then you pick up a book and it tells you your life story, and tells you that only 20% of people can come out of it without their world crashing down again. And with every half-hearted replacement dream, a little piece of your heart dies.

They always said you'll never make it if you have a backup plan. They never said it would break your soul.
Comments: 2 Wished on a star - Make a Wish.
Wednesday, July 27th, 2005
10:33 pm - summer
Well, so far this summer, I have:

Taken a road trip to Vegas, which included going through Nebraska, Colorado, Utah, and a corner of Arizona.

Managed to spend 2 weeks with a 2 year old without killing it.

Baked. A lot.

Started a recipe box (that's 99.9% desserts).

Taught myself to knit. At the moment, I'm halfway through a sweater.

Sewed a pillow and a knitting bag.

Realized knitting? Not a cheap hobby.

Decided to open a small business. I have a name, a floorplan, products, and no clue what else is involved because did I major in business? No. So this may take a decade or two to get off the ground.

Pulled up the carpet in the computer room. Sounds easy right? Not when your goal is to get to the hardwood floors underneath carpet from the 70's. The padding was crumbling all over the place and stapled down and nail boards are so not cool to remove.

Went gambling on a boat by my house, to a neat little candy factory, to a million garage sales.

Had my first STAR appointment. It's my yearly cancer checkup, but I'm in the STAR program now that I"ve been in remission for so long. So I got to have an echocardiogram, an EKG, a bone-density scan, and the yearly blood draw. Apparently the chemotherapy I got gives me a greater risk of early heart trouble, early osteoporosis, cataracts, and early menopause.

My dog has also been pretty sick, she seems to have a sensitive stomach and since she's a vaccuum that eats everything in her path, it hasn't been fun.

I'll update more soon :)
Comments: 3 Wished on a star - Make a Wish.

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